All starry eyed, full of anticipation and excitement, repeating your vows of “for better or for worse” you don’t expect the worst to be on your honeymoon. Oh, sure we have heard of honeymoons going awry–getting sick, bad hotel or storms. Those “worses” are no fun right off the starting gate to wedded bliss. But for me and my husband, the capricious storm was internal, and that perfect storm landed right in me as I lay on the hotel bed in Newport, Oregon–Kevin’s childhood town where he grew up.
Like two champagne glasses raised to a toast to new beginnings only to crash to the ground shattering on earth’s impact, all that remained were shards of glass broken at my feet and a sense of bewilderment as to what happened. The perfect storm that brewed in me started with fear–fear that was tucked in a compartment I wanted to forget. The cheating high school boyfriend I planned to marry and my cheating first husband confirmed what I already felt about myself. I am unlovable, I’m less than, and I certainly cannot captivate a man to love me with total commitment or loyalty. The interactions I had with men built the case that they could not be trusted. My sweet husband was innocent, yet he paid the price for all the other men who increased my already distorted view of myself and my belief of all men in general.
And on that lovely night after consummating our marriage, voices in my head were telling me to jump out the window. Being a visual person, I could see my body sprawled on the cold pavement, the sounds of the waves crashing in the distance while the sea breeze brushed across my lifeless body, with a soft glow from the lamppost that shone down on me. Dramatic yes, yet so was my reality, immediately I shared with Kevin the horrific thoughts tormenting my mind. The poor guy–that is not what you want to hear ever, especially on your honeymoon.
I cannot praise God enough for a loving, supportive and faithful husband who has stood by me through it all. His tenacious love for God me brought me through my darkest hours. I want to encourage you that God shows no partiality undue favor or unfairness; with Him one man is not different from another (Romans 2:11 AMPC).
So although I received much healing from God through Kevin we do not need a husband or wife to obtain our healing unless that is part of God’s plan. God will use different means to bring us healing in His time and ways. He is ready to answer the cry and desire of our heart for it is His heart to free us completely. Keep seeking, asking, and knocking and you will find your deliverance.
Happy 34th Wedding Anniversary to this amazing man, who loves God and people with a heart as big as the ocean.