Life has an incredible reputation with its’ ability to take our breath away. Rolling hills, unlimited brooks that babble even more than an overly excited me and sunsets that can leave us speechless… a miracle in itself. Yet within the mingling of the majestic awes of life’s splendor, the ouches of this life can knock the wind out of our sails with one sharp jab to the gut. Taking time to catch our breath once again .
Bitter waltzing with sweet, highs soaring to distressing lows, at times finding myself scrabbling to recalibrate and steady my faiths’ equilibrium.
With all the dizzying and stressful challenges life can thrown our way, it is not out of the norm for me to utter, “God where are you?” more then a time or two. We have already established I like to talk.
And yet I also love to listen with bated breath when it comes to hearing God breathed truths addressing my doubts. His mercy blowing away lies that cloud my proper perspective into wisps of insignificance. Seeing His love for me in new and profound ways.
A couple of months ago I experienced ominous brooding clouds of doubt , only to watch God gloriously lift the foreboding billows to see Him in a whole new light.
This particular event involved our 15 1/2 year old dog Scooby who on one Friday morning vets visit was gravely diagnosed with advanced Lymphoma. That night and the next morning our grown children visited to say their final tearful good-byes. By the next evening he could barely walk as I took him to the car for his final solemn ride to the vet. We arrived 15 mins. early to check him in before my husband arrived from his work . As we made our way to the clinic door Scooby’s 63 lbs. frame lumbered and swayed even more with his burdening disease. Anxious to get him help as soon as possible my heart began breaking more with each labored step he took. Swinging the front door open so grateful to get help soon, only to find out they were not taking anymore patients that early evening due to no more beds, and a vet that had to leave early. Now heading back to the van, Scooby was staggered with greater intensity, hoisting him up and into the car I waited for Kevin to arrive. Leaving the side van door open while sitting with Scooby, tears streamed down my face, I felt so helpless, and alone. Suddenly, he threw up and collapsed in the back of the van my heart overwhelmed with sorrow and anxiety . Thankfully, shortly after that Kevin arrived, his 5 min work delay felt like an eternity. While waiting earlier I was able to call and find a nearby vet still open less than 2 minutes away, $120.00 more yet it did not matter. By the time we arrived Scooby could no longer walk and Kevin had to carry him in.
Overwhelming sadness merged with an outpouring of compassion from the staff brought us great comfort and relief. Once settled in the room the kind vet then sat on the floor with us as we held our beloved dog weeping. His tenderness and compassion was evident as his eyes welled with tears as we cried. Saying our final sorrowful goodbyes, and with heavy hearts we left toting only his blanket and collar, and now mere memories to sustain us. Feeling so grateful for the kindness, love and support from this clinic during our time of loss.
The following weeks after Scooby’s passing had me pondering why I felt so overwhelmed as I sat in the van waiting for help that day. Though my feelings were valid going through losing a pet, the more I reflected on those intense emotions it dawned on me that abandonment issues from past sexual abuses somehow got triggered. The fact I was surrounded by people yet feeling so alone and helpless in my time of need hit a raw emotional nerve.
Walking in a place of victory as you navigate brokenness takes courage to forge ahead to get to the place of healing, forgiveness and deeper levels of freedom God longs for us.
And though at times I get weary of trying to see God in all things, I’m confident it’s worth the pondering, searching and asking to get to the truth. God is looking and longing to be gracious to us every time, whether it be the first or the millionth time!
Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding. Isaiah 40:28
So how did God address my wrestling abandonment and trust issues?
Lovingly as always !
While I was still wrestling with grief and grappling with this abandonment trigger, Kevin and I received a thoughtful card of condolences from the Pet Medical team a couple weeks later. As we both read through and looked at all the signed names we could not believe our eyes when we spotted our vet’s last name. It was Emmanuel which means, “God with us”. We were blown away! It was such a hug to my heart from a Abba Father I’m learning to trust more each passing day.
What a precious reminder that God is always with us, never failing us, nor forsaking us, even when we feel alone and overwhelmed.
Perhaps like me your questioning where God was or is in your time of need.
From my heart to yours, may we continually see God working on our behalf in all things. Though you and I have felt alone at times, we are not. God enters our grief, weeps with us. His heartbreaking even greater then your own. He is with us every step of the way even when you cannot feel His presence at the time.
Emmanuel God is with us, What a beautiful name, What a glorious promise!
I thank you most High God! You are breathtaking. Psalms 139:5 The Message